Today, I realise that I have stared at the blank screen for too long, waiting for the words to form just because I have nothing to say. No. I do have lots to say, but my mind is a whirlwind and that makes it difficult to articulate my thoughts, to calm down and remember that it’s been a long time too long without a word and a Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
There have been lots to share, lots to write about, but it’s so hard articulating thoughts and transforming them to words when you are not in the right state of mind. When all you think about is the superficial notion of freedom, something you know might not be your reality for a while to come.
I think of the many things I could be, the many things I could do and the happiness that could be mine if only things were different. Then there’s more sad news. The death of a friend’s parent, of a relative and of some random person. The death of Iniobong and the reminder of the unsafe society in which I have to survive, and maybe thrive as a young woman. So I stay home and dream, dream that one day I would live in a society that gives me a little peace, far away from Nigeria.
Then there’s the internal struggle I face daily – to be or not be. The struggle that fades when I remember to study God’s word in my time of despair. And when I do not, I sink so deeply into my thoughts that I forget that hope remains valid when it is held onto. There’s the feeling of inadequacy too, the ones that bring up the questions, “am I enough?” “am I doing well enough?” These questions, one too many, fill my head as I try to get by life.
These days, when my friend asks me how I am, I reply “just there”. “There” is me hanging on to the hope of transcending to that place where I no longer have to worry or be scared of what my next step is going to be. “There” is me reminding myself that I have God, and that He’s working it all out for me.
Above all, I am grateful for a lot. I am grateful for my family, for my friends and all those who go out of their way to understand. I am grateful for my journey, because though it may not be the best, there’s a lot of growth as I through it, and there’s light at the end. You too should be grateful, dear friend, because it all makes sense in the end.